You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
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weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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