Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
