Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
