"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
