Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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