I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
