does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
