How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You left your phone here
Wait...
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