we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
