RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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