gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
