so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
