I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
