I want to have your abortion
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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