So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
