Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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