Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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