My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
