I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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