Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
