Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
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It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.