i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
