my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
