Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
