I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
