I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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