I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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