My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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