When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
