my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
