Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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