I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
