That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
