be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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