Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Randomize
