If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
