I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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