there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
