OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
