There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
