i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
