If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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