i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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