Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
