My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
