girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
