all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
