You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
