He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Mom said you looked used
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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