Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
