Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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