why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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