Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
