I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
