That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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