I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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