you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
