the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
