census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
