mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
