I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
