he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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