After last night, I could never be a politician.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
