It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
